Let's face it: "Till death do us part" is easy. The hard part is "Till you chew that loudly again." While traditional prenups handle the boring stuff like assets and debt, the High Court of Vibes recognizes that the real battles are fought over thermostat settings and stolen hoodies. Here are 10 legally-binding(-ish) clauses you need to draft immediately to save your sanity.
1. The French Fry Taxation Act
This clause stipulates that if Partner A says 'I'm not hungry' but proceeds to eat Partner B's fries, Partner A owes a retroactive 'Fry Tax' of 30%, payable in future snacks or back rubs.
Too lazy to write?Generate with 1-Click →2. The 'What Do You Want To Eat' Settlement
Under this statute, the phrase 'I don't care' is stricken from the record. The Defendant must provide three distinct dining options. If they fail to do so, they forfeit all veto power over the Plaintiff's choice.
Too lazy to write?Generate with 1-Click →3. The Spider Defense Treaty
Designates one partner as the 'Designated Arachnid Handler.' In the event of a spider sighting, the Handler must remove the threat immediately, regardless of what they are doing (sleeping, showering, or gaming).
Too lazy to write?Generate with 1-Click →4. The Passenger Princess Decree
The passenger controls the aux cord (or CarPlay). The driver controls the destination. Any 'backseat driving' or unauthorized critique of the driver's parallel parking skills results in immediate ejection from the DJ role.
Too lazy to write?Generate with 1-Click →5. The Thermostat Peace Accord
Establishes a 'Demilitarized Zone' between 68°F and 72°F. Any adjustments outside this range require a written permit or a visible shivering demonstration.
Too lazy to write?Generate with 1-Click →6. The Netflix Fidelity Clause
Strictly prohibits 'watching ahead' on a shared show. Violation is a Class A Felony, punishable by being forced to re-watch the episode while pretending to be surprised.
Too lazy to write?Generate with 1-Click →7. The Dishwashing Deterrent
If one partner cooks, the other cleans. Leaving a pan 'to soak' for more than 24 hours is considered an admission of guilt and a waiver of all rights to complain about the mess.
Too lazy to write?Generate with 1-Click →8. The Hoodie Theft Policy
Any hoodie left unattended for more than 15 minutes becomes communal property. However, the original owner retains 'Prime Weekend Rights' to said garment.
Too lazy to write?Generate with 1-Click →9. The 'Hangry' Immunity Statute
Anything said by the Plaintiff while their blood sugar is low cannot be used against them in a court of law. The Defendant's primary duty is to provide snacks, not logical arguments.
Too lazy to write?Generate with 1-Click →10. The Silent Treatment Limitation
The 'Silent Treatment' shall not exceed 45 minutes. After this period, the sulking party must communicate via interpretive dance or written haiku.
Too lazy to write?Generate with 1-Click →Ready to make it official?
Don't rely on verbal agreements. Draft your official relationship contract now and settle the score once and for all.
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